I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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