Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
