She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
