Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
