Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
