I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Come share oat with me in your robe
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
