i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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