apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
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miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
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You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.