dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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