So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You pole danced in your parka.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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