Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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