i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
