I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
