apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
