my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
