You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
