sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
