any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
