I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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