I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
