I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
