Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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