i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
