I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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