walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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