can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
