The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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