What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Your dad touched me again.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
