I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
