i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
