when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
