Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
