I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
