im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My feet surprised me
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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