I'm passing your future prison.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
