Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
