I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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