It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
