SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
