Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
