So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
