Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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