when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
