i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
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I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
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I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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