I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
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my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
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They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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