thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
