I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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