I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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