apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
