woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
