I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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