nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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