chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i love accidental penises.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
