When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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