I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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