dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
