I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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