Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
