Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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